TCK Identity: I have never been a local anywhere

A house boat in Rotterdam - I sometimes wish I could live on a boat and just choose where to live depending on the seasons! (This will probably not happen as I can get terribly seasick if the water is too choppy!)

I have lived in a number of places, traveled and revisited places where I know the streets, BUT I have never been a local anywhere. As a adult third culture kid and avid travel blogger (Check out my travel blog! www.travelwithalaine.com), I often come across posts with titles that have "... from the eyes of a local", "Explore ..... by a local", "A local guide's to ....", or something of similar titles. I wish I could tell you how much I would love to write "...from a local's perspective" but I can't because it would seem like a fraud. I can tell you about my experiences from that place. Especially if its a place I've lived in and discovered as a local resident.

Experiencing a place as a traveler is so different that living in a place as a resident. Your needs are different. There's an adjustment period that can be challenging. From feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, loneliness, fear, to elated happy feelings, satisfaction, acceptance, and peace. Its a whole gamut of experiences.

As far as "local guides" go, I will probably never write one because it would feel a bit disingenuous to my readers. When I do meet people who have lived their whole lives in that place, I ask them for their recommendations and tips because that is the best way to discover a place whether you've moved there or traveling there.

Wandering the streets of Delft

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Digital Nomadism for this TCK

A vicious cycle for a TCK: Packing up, Unpacking, Moving, Transporting, Goodbyes and Hellos

My tiny hands are worn from carrying multiple bags

My arms are filled with big bruises

I beat myself up with my luggage

My heavy load. 

Head heavy, eyes tired. 

Thinking: "I hate this moving business"

Like a drunken haze, we have all said "Never again"

Do not believe it. 

The stares from other travellers at the train, bus, plane

I'm embarrassed and flushed. 

Sweat beads form and my clothes are starting to stick to me. 

Why, oh, why me!? 

Moving again. 

Saying good bye to beautiful places. 

See you soon to my dear friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.

Hello again to another location.

My unsightly bruises on both arms. June 2016.

I've been a digital nomad for the past few months and my body is weary but I am also a typical restless TCK who just can't seem to find home or stay put. A few things, I've learned from being a digital nomad and working from "home" is that 1) I like being able to be mobile. 2) I can live a peaceful existence and work efficiently on my own. 3) When I need to see people, I need to make an effort to see them. 

Working remotely from the Swiss Alps. May 2016.

I question myself every single day: how did I get here? The past several years has been such a challenging and trying time for me. A career change is difficult. Combined with a changing world and never being satisfied with where I am.

The world is changing and becoming incredibly volatile. I'm uneasy about it all because it is affecting me on a personal level. I have such an awful time when it comes to applying for visas and whatnot. Sigh. This is not a post for my rant. I am sure there are TCKs out there that can empathise with me on this. Feel free to drop me an email or a Facebook message if you'd like to commiserate.

Atomium, Brussels, Belgium. June 2015

Digital Nomadism. 
Its a thing and so many more companies should embrace this. If there is anything I've learned from my internship is that THIS is possible. I wish more companies would embrace this concept. For starters, I'm currently "funemployed" so decided to embrace this concept of digital nomadism and expand my network reach around the world through my social media channels. Its a dream of mine to be able to work anywhere and inspire others to embrace travel and adventure.
Can one truly work remotely and live a comfortable life? The answer is YES. Its been done and there are so many successful people doing it. I aspire to be able to do this so I'm not a prisoner of location and limited in my career and life aspirations. I just need to find the strength to shut everyone who tells me that its impossible, that I can't do it, that I'm too old, that I'm wasting my time, that I'm running out of time, and to settle down to a mediocre life that everyone else has that I don't want so I can be miserable. I don't want to be miserable.
There is really nothing tying me down and I'm not in the rat race so why not embrace a life that is colorful.
Another thing I learned in 2016 is that I cannot plan my life beyond a few months at a time because something is always going wrong and sh** hits the proverbial fan. Too many things have happened this year in the micro and macro scale that have affected and impacted me on such a personal level that all I can say is c'est la vie.

The life is short, death is inevitable, seize the day.
Malmö Slott, Malmö, Sweden. Feb. 2016

I am a Nomad

Wandering planet earth

Stopping for shelter, food, drink, company, and stories.

Neither here nor there.

Homeless.

Belonging everywhere and nowhere.

Learning languages

Studying cultures

Observing people

And making friends wherever I go.

Missing friends around the world.

I want to be there, there, and there.

I want to go somewhere far 

Finding little rocks I can settle down on for a while.

Settling my weary body, mind, and spirit. 

Blending in

Not blending in. 

Repeating my story. 

No, I don't want to give you my life story but you asked

"Where are you from?"

Are you actually interested?

Or is that a form of small talk and you don't really care.

Or you could also be a wanderer too.

Lets talk.

Lets be friends.

Keep in touch, k? 

#TCKCHAT chronicles: The TCK & Dating

I have been volunteering my time to co-host #TCKCHAT on Twitter with some fabulous TCK folks. There is one every two weeks. The next one is on Oct 2nd and it will be at 10 am EST or 10 pm EST. The topics have ranged from being the new kid to dating to mentoring TCKs to transitions. If you are on twitter join in or follow the #tckchat conversations.

I wasn't available for the #tckchats in July so I started in August. I was looking through an old archive and found this gem:

TCK Chat #2: The TCK & Dating storify highlights

Some difficult questions asked. Inspired to answer some of these difficult and I will try and be a bit brutally honest about it.



Q1.How has your TCK upbringing influenced your dating relationships?

I like interesting people that I can have a conversation with on a multitude of subjects and depth of conversation but also someone who can make me feel at ease, laugh, comfortable, safe, etc. This is not just in dating but also how I make friends and connect with people in general. When you find a connection someone it can often be a turn on! On the negative side of things, I get very restless. I don't know how to stop that often nagging feeling and not knowing how to think about the future in terms of dating relationships. Perhaps my biggest obstacle. I am a little bit skeptical about planning too far ahead in the future. In terms of TCK upbringing, its tough to think about where to settle down to find a partner and maybe have children. Who knows what the future will bring. Dating is like playing roulette. You just never know who you will meet, when you meet, how you meet, etc. If timing is everything then you could possibly meet your match at the most wrong time of your life. And then, if you are in a steady relationship, when and if you two will marry and/or start a family together and where in the world. Its just all a lot of stress to think about if you ask me! hahahaha. A bit of a commitment-phobia is common among TCKs and those tough questions are common among TCKs in relationships. I'd say on a personal level, I have a bit of this phobia because I don't know how long I will stay in one place or what forever means.

The Little Mermaid, Copenhagen, Denmark

Q2. In a relationship with a non-TCK, have you anticipated miscommunication because of your TCK upbringing?

Oh my... this is going to bring up a can of worms but I will spare you of the details.
I think whether a TCK or non-TCK miscommunication is the biggest obstacles everyone faces. With TCKs and Non-TCKs relationships, I think perhaps the TCK could be misunderstood that leaving or planning to live in different countries and cities as leaving the relationship. Someone in the #tckchat mentioned this: @DipKidAmber "A2 I applied for a job in China once. My partner took it to mean that I wanted to get away from him when really I just wanted the experience"
Also some TCKs have a bit of a loner streak in them when they grow older to become adults because they spent their youth packing up and moving without much say in where and when they are moving. They may become adults who want to be in control of where, when, how they move (that is IF they move) without much thought on another person. They just assume that other person will move with them and adjust. This can lead to loads of miscommunication that could ultimately make or break a partnership up.

View from Edinburgh Castle, Edinburgh, Scotland

Q3. A TCK and non-TCK come from diff backgrounds. What challenges have you faced to make it work? What pleasantly surprised you?

hahaha... 
Challenges in my previous relationships include long distance, commitment-phobia, not knowing what the future will hold, communication, and wanting different things in life. With that said, I was in a 7 year long relationship in my twenties. He wasn't a TCK and he tried very hard to understand my TCK restlessness. What surprised me was how much I liked stability in that relationship. It was a solid one and I thank him for giving me that at a time in my life that was hectic and stressful due to being an artist in New York City.

From the #tckchat:
@dp_saxon writes "A3: Some non-TCKs seek out relationships w/ TCKs b/c they've always had the spirit to travel but not the opportunity."
My response will always be the fact that the world is small and time is short. Time and health is the most important currency of all so what you do with your time on this earth should reflect that.

@danautanu: "A3. Challenge:Them not getting why I'm not grounded and why it's hard."
Its not that TCKs are not grounded. TCKs have a different grounding where grounding is interchangeable and adaptable. Just like seasons, our life isn't static. I don't think life should ever be static. We are in constant motion. Learning, discovering, and evolving.

Winter in Central Park, New York City

Q4.Does the idea of “settling down” with a partner scare you? Or do you relish the idea of stability after the constant change?

I used to be scared about this. I like the idea of stability but I don't want my future partner to "shackle" me down or want to do the same to him. "Settling down" with a partner means to me more about a partnership of going through life together with its twists, turns, ups and downs, adventures, stability, and difficulties.

@TweetingAuthor wrote: "A4: The concept of settling down is terrifying. From marriage to children, the idea that moving could stop scares me to death."
I don't think marriage or children should ever cause a cessation in moving. What causes the move in the first place? If the answer is to run away from responsibilities then yes, that needs some growth. But if the answer is a career adventure, then why the hell would you not take the opportunity and bring along the person you love and if there are children and pets involved. Bring them along too!

@unsettledtck wrote: "A4: Admittedly the prospect of marriage or something super permanent makes me hyperventilate a little"
This is quite common among many TCKs. I am still scared of permanence and the idea of forever but decided that in the traditional societal contexts we live understand of it - yes, I am terrified of that. But in my own sense and thinking - no, I am not scared. Nothing is permanent in this life. Marriage is a scary concept but so many couplings are choosing not to buy into the construct of traditional marriages with a huge proportion of marriages ending in divorce - who wouldn't be skeptical.

Then we have these responses from the #TCKCHAT:
@marilyngard "But can I go back to Q4 - we got married and embarked on a life raising TCKs - would do it again in a heart beat"
@dp_saxon "A4: I hope to "settle down" with someone who's open to thoughtful and regular change."
@TayoRockson "Yes and sometimes I wonder if my future kids and wife will like to move as well."

Homemade Pandan triple chocolate cookies, New York City

Q5.Change is part of TCK life & can lead to unresolved relationship probs. Do you struggle w/ this now? How do you address this?

Absolutely! I am hyper cautious these days because I do not want misunderstandings, miscommunications, and ultimately break anyone's or my own heart. But to err on this side of things, it can absolutely backfire on me. I let relationships flow naturally whether its dating or friendships because when over-thinking we lose sight of what really matters most. Enjoying another person's company whether its a friendship or a dating situation. Life is short, time is precious, health is not guaranteed. Live a balanced life that makes you content.