TCK Identity: Leaving it all behind and in search for home

As a TCK, we find ourselves changing with each new location. As a digital nomad, I live in many places at once. The luggage, trains, planes, trams, and automobiles is so much flurry that it doesn't leave me a second to grieve. A proper farewell. 

Its important to be able to have a proper farewell to the places and faces we once loved. 

When you grow up mobile, the sense of identity and home is skewed because its never a constant place. Sometimes TCKs associate their previous homes as places but some associate them to the faces. The people they forged real connections with. I think its important to be able reflect and grieve properly on those physical places and people once they are gone. 

Like a proper break up.

I met up with a TCK friend of mine recently and she was telling me about her weird break up with a man she had been dating for a while. She told me that she felt shattered because it felt like a part of her sense of home was pulled from under the rug. She found solace in the people she chose to get close to for a sense of home and normalcy. It got me to thinking about my own friendships and romantic relationships. I was in a long distance relationship with a man for a few years and recently had to make the decision to tell him that I couldn't keep flying to his town anymore. Long story short, I felt terrible but then we had a couple days of saying a proper goodbye. We visited my favorite  places in town, reminisced about all the good times we had traveling together and the first time we met halfway across the globe, they were all good memories. Memories are my home. 

I found solace in creating memories that would mark time periods of my life that I felt at home. Home is not a physical place for me but I get these questions a lot by well meaning family and friends. 

"Where do you want to settle down?"

"You need to find a permanent place to settle down."

"Just pick a place and settle down." 

"Where do you see yourself permanently?"

"Are you going to keep traveling?"

"You can't keep on traveling. You need to set down roots" 

These are all valid concerns and questions by all the people that have said them to me. To be honest, I can't answer the questions. I feel very conflicted because in my heart I have places and countries I would love to live in for a long period of time and settle for a while BUT then its a challenge to live there due to logistical, political, and visas. Believe me, I have tried to apply for jobs and live in my chosen places. I have struggled for so many years. 

My passport pulls me back in many respects and I have not been able to accept it. It has to do with something greater than just me. It becomes a power struggle of politics, privilege, and current affairs. 

But all I know is this. People and places that make me feel welcome feel like home. Sometimes there's a gut feeling that you just feel so comfortable there. Its like falling in love. I remember when I fell in love with a city. I made it my home for as long as I could until I had to leave. It broke my heart. 

Home is a feeling. A memory. And a comfort. 

I don't know where I'll be but I will know when I am home. 

It will be a place of comfort, love, support, and warmth to me. 

Saying goodbyes

I want to begin this post by pasting and email that my student sent to me before the end of the school year:

Throughout this year of dance, I have learned so many things from you. You have taught me and many others different types of dances and how to choreograph them. Since you have been teaching us, you have been inspiring us to dance one person at a time. All in all, I think that you have been an outstanding teacher, that has taught us a lot about dance.

This email was so touching and it makes it so worthwhile as a dance educator to learn that I've inspired students to love dance and movement as much as I do. I had a blast teaching over a hundred students every day from my alma mater school here in Singapore. Every year that I've been teaching dance, I miss my students when the end of the term, residency, year is over and we're enjoying a bit of time off for the summer. But over the years, I've grown a bit more hardened to saying goodbye to my students and try not to get so attached. I've grown used to saying goodbye.

Goodbyes aren't easy, but I've become accustomed to saying them. I don't know if its just age, because I remember goodbyes being extremely difficult growing up.

As an Adult TCK, are we hardened to saying goodbye to everyone we encounter in this lifetime?

I actually psych myself out by not really saying goodbye but saying "see you soon!" because thats easier to say. The world is a small place, I always run into people from my past. Its so common for TCKs!

A friend from high school passed away last week. I feel quite a bit of remorse for never been able to get a hold of her the first few months I moved back and then just gave up trying to contact her. Gone too soon. Though we drifted apart over the years, I still have fond memories of running track with her, dance rehearsals, theater, and a few other random memories that have popped up this week from high school. Rest in peace Leslie, you are loved by many. I'm glad I got to see you a few years ago when I came to visit Singapore and you showed us around Clarke Quay.

The last day of school at SAS was a couple days ago. The students were crying and hugging each other to say their goodbyes. Some were leaving so they were distraught. My advice to them: Goodbyes are hard. They don't get easy. But as we get older, we get used to saying them.
What's worse than goodbyes? Never having the time to say goodbye or rushing through them. ALWAYS MAKE TIME.